AWAKENED GODDESS: KUNDALINI AT PLAY
By Ruth Angela
Copyright 2008(This chapter 2 is from an earlier version of the book The Hero's Path Within: Kundalini at Play which has been radically revised since this was first published. Nonetheless the information is still helpful. )
The Rare Gift
So this is the rare gift of the rare gift of being human that brings the opportunity to awaken. The great teachers would agree that awakening to one's higher self is a universal stage of growth that has no respect for country boundaries, languages spoken, ethnic origin, physical shape, skin color or even religious upbringing. It occurs when the soul has reached a certain stage of spiritual evolution. In Light on the Path, Muktananda, states that the "ultimate goal of life is to get entirely rid of pain, suffering and sorrow and to attain the full measure of absolute bliss"(1). Muktananda goes on to say that "happiness is the real goal of man's life" and this can be obtained by "entering into the realm of transcendental joy" described as moksha (1).
Thus an awakening is an opportunity to partake of this joy and to know a kind of existence that we can not comprehend before an awakening occurs. Ken Carey in The Third Millennium indicates that it is the human future to live:
....instinctually. To simply be. To say the right words without thinking them out ahead of time. To experience the purity of a mind uncluttered by troublesome and misplaced responsibility. To know exactly the right gesture, the right behavior, the creative response for each and every situation. Such are the birthrights of each and every human being.(72)
When I was thirteen I had no idea that this was the state of being that I was seeking.
All I knew then was that I was miserable being who I thought I was. I wanted to be just like Jesus. I wanted to love everyone and have a beautiful "holy" relationship with people. The authors of Jung on Alchemy define a perfect personality as "a balanced person. He is inwardly ever in touch with the self and outwardly, in behavior, he remains undisturbed, calm and tranquil amidst the play of opposites" (Speigelman and Vasavada 122). I wanted such transcendence but I had no idea how to go about attaining it. At this age, I was very religious. I went to church whenever there was an opportunity. From the age of eight I had yearned to sing in the choir in church, causing my parents much discomfort since they had to escort me to the rehearsals on cold, pitch black nights, and then get up early on Sundays to get me to the church. Being a parent is not an easy job. But the longing in my heart to sing to God was so great. It was one way I could actually feel the connection to something ineffable beyond myself, and it also satisfied a deep yearning to hear certain spiritual sounds. Yet all this devotion to singing the name of God did not make me feel I was ever going to evolve. I found so many shortcomings in my character and behavior compared to the ideal I saw in Jesus.
I remember one day I had a fight with my sister. That night lying in my bed and feeling remorse, I started to sob deeply and completely. The depths of my misery could not be plumbed. I had spent months studying prayers every night that the priest had said would lead me on a path to enlightenment. I earnestly believed him, so every morning and every night I read these prayers and pondered their meaning and tried so hard to put them into practice. I had thought that this made me more "holy" than my sister perhaps, because I accused her of being irreligious. By comparison to me at that age, everyone would have been!
After I had gone to bed, I realized my lack of compassion and arrogance; I could not console myself that I would ever improve. The whole situation appeared entirely beyond my ability to manage. I could not stop weeping as only teens know how to cry. The passion of the ages was in that weeping; it was the soul's yearning from aeons, not just this incident with my sister. I was bereft.
In such a depleted and sorrowful state I lay in my bed, getting more and more grieved, and more and more hopeless. It was at the depths of this misery that a flash appeared in my left eye. A streak of light shot out and stood before me about three feet in front, as a two foot round, oval shaped light. Within this bright oval shape was the face and energy of a very loving being, who at that time, I identified as Jesus.
This being spoke to me with the utmost love and said,"Dear Ruth, do not despair. Give up these practices that make you so unhappy and live a simple life. Just be yourself. Just live an ordinary life, and I promise I will return for you in time."
I sputtered something about, "But I want to be like Jesus, and I just cannot seem to do it."
The loving being reiterated again, "Just live an ordinary life like everyone else, and in time I will come to you and answer your wish."
This event completely changed my life at that time. I gave up all my pretensions with the church teachings and its useless practices, and devoted myself to being an ordinary teen with the same joy in pop stars and boyfriends as everyone else. Undoubtedly this event foreshadowed the meeting with my guru, Muktananda, in 1979, which came just twenty years later. Since this auspicious meeting, many things that were incomprehensible when I was thirteen have become clear.
It did not happen immediately that I understood what I had received from this teacher. However, when I came to realize the opportunity that my awakening opened for me, I was truly awe struck. The unveiled hidden aspects of my being, of powers and abilities I only dreamed of before are astonishing. The wondrous cosmic realms await me in meditation. Vistas of my past lives come before me, helping to make sense of my present nature. Knowledge of esoteric topics comes without reading books. At times in this heightened state, laying hands on a book would convey the entire contents. I would instantly heal wounds just by seeing the injury either in myself or others by my will or intention. At one point, I could read languages I had never learned. I can visit planets around the cosmos at will. I had hypersensitivity to others, as I could feel the feelings and emotions of many others around me at once. I could see into the future and change it. I could sleep yet be awake and aware. Fortuitous meetings would occur without an appointment. I could recognize myself everywhere, not just on Earth, but in the stars. It is a fact that I have experienced moments of Ken Carey's future human because of my teacher's gift of Shaktipat.
When Muktananda first entered my life through a dream in 1974, I was incapable of finding out the truth of my life's meaning. I was a very unconscious person. I lived like a robot. I did as I was told. I followed a prescription set down by society for "good" people; I was dominated by fear and guilt. I would not live as my own life force dictated, but by what others determined was appropriate.
I had a husband who barely knew I existed because I had made myself a copy of him. The only time I got attention from him was if I did not get his supper at exactly 5 p.m. every night, or if I let one of his shirts get wrinkled. I lived by "shoulds," by guilt and social obligation. I did not choose a life that answered my own inner joy, because no one in my family had ever lived that way. I had no "acceptable" models for any other behavior. I was told if I lived to satisfy my own heart, I was "selfish." I would be roundly condemned and scorned for choosing to be happy over choosing to follow convention. I also was told that love had to be "earned" by being "good," and that meant doing what others needed and putting my own needs last. The message was always, "You are worthless unless you serve others' needs."
Yet who were these others? Were they realized beings operating from higher knowledge? In every case the answer would be "no." Beings operating from the higher knowledge would not ask others to serve them and would not impose their will upon another. These who demanded I sacrifice and follow their "plan" or "agenda" in were themselves unconscious, life-sucking creatures who were ruled by social, moral or religious conventions that shut out the natural spirit, spontaneity and joy, life and goodness. This was the environment that had conditioned me to being a victim, to being a slave to others' wishes. This was the lie that my awakening revealed to me that is so very pervasive and inherent in the structure of Western society today.
Thus, all my unconscious living was a prescription for deep-seated unhappiness, a part of the conditioning that kills our joy. But such was my unconsciousness that I truly believed I was happy. Such was the conditioning and brainwashing of society through church, family and society, that I actually believed my following their rules made me happy. Today all this looks like a very sick and deceptive game.
Today I know that love is the very basic foundation of all existence and that it is always there and available. It is mine by virtue of my existence. It is unconditional. I need no ones' approval to experience it fully every day. Today I know that in serving my own highest needs with responsibility and awareness, I am serving the highest good for all--the cosmic intelligence.
Neale Donald Walsch has written an extraordinary series of books called Conversations with God and Book 3 has some insights into this somewhat heretical (in Christian dogma) concept. God speaks thus:
The biggest mistake people make in human relationships is to be concerned for what the other is wanting, being, doing, or having. Be concerned only for the Self. What is the Self being, doing, or having? What is the Self wanting, needing, choosing? What is the highest choice for the Self. (Book Three 9)
When I choose to align my activities with my inner sense of serving the inner teacher, rather than any outer person or ideas, no matter how odd this appears to others, I know it is serving the highest good for all. I know now that pushing away or denying the natural emotions and nature brings injury to the deepest levels of my being and ultimately injures humanity as a whole. I have learned that betraying this inner nature and following anothers' wishes is a path to absolute death and misery.
How can one ever thank a being who has knelt down and assisted one to rise above the mire and find the truth? There are no ways to repay this gift. It is indeed the rarest gift. Yet this fact was not something I understood fully for many years after the events that occured in 1979.
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Go on to : Chapter 3
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